big suns, full moons.

my heart has become more content.
i think that sometimes writing things out and seeing them on a page makes them come to life - what is true, what is childish, what is unimportant, what is worth noticing. all these things are hidden and we must draw them out.

today, i showed up for an appointment which i forgot was cancelled. so, with an extra two hours on my hands, i studied, i drank good coffee instead of the mediocre kind i usually get, i savored getting to class early and i stopped inside the on campus bookstore just to browse. of course, the one book which truly caught my attention is called "this is not a book".

"this is not a book" is a do it yourself journal, but each page is an experiment or adventure of sorts, not simply a random question and response. i liked it SO much, i almost bought four: one for me, the others for my sisters and mom. then i thought, why can't i do this on my own? write what i want, make challenges for myself and be creative - without paying $12.95.

when i got home, i looked up the author's blog and on it, i found a quote -
"today will never happen again."

my whole life i have heard this saying in so many different words, numerous languages, infinite translations - but the same context applies.
today is it and when the clock strikes 12, it is gone. there is no re-doing, re-thinking, re-making dinner, re-anything.

i love this saying because it is definite and also hopeful.
today will never happen again - so DO something. make something. be in the moment.
to me, this means make a commitment to living. a commitment to the time we have.


after reading that, so many things have stepped into the light, today.
i spent time reading peter brook and loving his words.
i organized my calendar. highlighed. underlined. made open, happy days.
i admired my boyfriend's work.
(sidenote: one of the many reasons i love this man is that now i want to stop when i look at art. really stop and breathe it in, no matter how ridiculous or strange.)
i went to the grocery store and bought beautiful strawberries.
i rented my favorite movie which i do not admit to people.
i made dinner for myself and not something easy.
i took time to simmer the apples and mushrooms, grill the salmon, make a presentation of my food.

and now, it's 8:20.
and i have not wasted or thrown away a moment.
"live each day"
"make it count"
"do what you want"
"live freely"
"live today like it's your last"
"just be"

a small sample of quotes which relish the now, the present, the here.
but living each day like it's your last and just "being" - it's a contradiction.
making it "count" and living freely - to live free is to have no reason to live now or for the future.

all i can say is this:
when we wake up in the morning, we make a decision: to greet the day or to use it only to get to the next. from now on, i think i'll greet it.


goodnight moon.