big suns, full moons.

my heart has become more content.
i think that sometimes writing things out and seeing them on a page makes them come to life - what is true, what is childish, what is unimportant, what is worth noticing. all these things are hidden and we must draw them out.

today, i showed up for an appointment which i forgot was cancelled. so, with an extra two hours on my hands, i studied, i drank good coffee instead of the mediocre kind i usually get, i savored getting to class early and i stopped inside the on campus bookstore just to browse. of course, the one book which truly caught my attention is called "this is not a book".

"this is not a book" is a do it yourself journal, but each page is an experiment or adventure of sorts, not simply a random question and response. i liked it SO much, i almost bought four: one for me, the others for my sisters and mom. then i thought, why can't i do this on my own? write what i want, make challenges for myself and be creative - without paying $12.95.

when i got home, i looked up the author's blog and on it, i found a quote -
"today will never happen again."

my whole life i have heard this saying in so many different words, numerous languages, infinite translations - but the same context applies.
today is it and when the clock strikes 12, it is gone. there is no re-doing, re-thinking, re-making dinner, re-anything.

i love this saying because it is definite and also hopeful.
today will never happen again - so DO something. make something. be in the moment.
to me, this means make a commitment to living. a commitment to the time we have.


after reading that, so many things have stepped into the light, today.
i spent time reading peter brook and loving his words.
i organized my calendar. highlighed. underlined. made open, happy days.
i admired my boyfriend's work.
(sidenote: one of the many reasons i love this man is that now i want to stop when i look at art. really stop and breathe it in, no matter how ridiculous or strange.)
i went to the grocery store and bought beautiful strawberries.
i rented my favorite movie which i do not admit to people.
i made dinner for myself and not something easy.
i took time to simmer the apples and mushrooms, grill the salmon, make a presentation of my food.

and now, it's 8:20.
and i have not wasted or thrown away a moment.
"live each day"
"make it count"
"do what you want"
"live freely"
"live today like it's your last"
"just be"

a small sample of quotes which relish the now, the present, the here.
but living each day like it's your last and just "being" - it's a contradiction.
making it "count" and living freely - to live free is to have no reason to live now or for the future.

all i can say is this:
when we wake up in the morning, we make a decision: to greet the day or to use it only to get to the next. from now on, i think i'll greet it.


goodnight moon.

the heart beats, but for what?

two months and no new words. what a dispicable truth.
many new things to speak of and yet nothing to show from it.

new:
car
focus
boyfriend
jackets and shoes
exercise schedule... ughhh.
sleeping schedule... zzzz.
groceries
recipes
a cough
and yet -

old:
thinking patters coming to the surface, again.

when i started this blog i was trying to break free of something, old habits and rituals and harmful thoughts and ways of being. or not being. and now, i find myself in the midst of many relationships which i am constantly trying to improve which have nothing to do with improving myself. i spend SO MUCH TIME watching other people, allowing their influence to validate my opinions. and i can't do it anymore, it's fucking exhausting.

i hate to say it, but i'll admit: i'm back where i used to be.
except for one part, i recognize the street signs and landmarks.
(don't know if that makes it better or worse.)

this comes in waves. damn, i hate emotionality.

i've realized:
it's exhausting to be awake and wondering and looking and seeing all. the. time.
and it makes it a fuckload easier for me to understand why people watch television and get "hobbies" and eat nachos bel grande while they slurp mountain dew and play video games. i understand why people jog. i understand why people get dogs. i understand why people work 9-5 desk jobs. i understand why people fucking LOVE ikea and the home shopping network and 12 step plans and all of it.
because it makes things easy.
because they organize the chaos.
because their urges and fears and doubts and hopelessness comes to a brief end when they are surrounded by clarity.

i found clarity in God. i did.
and not just because the person i used to date loved God
or because i was at my wit's end (although i was)
but because i wanted to.
and now i am in a relationship with someone who kind of thinks it's a joke.
and i laugh. but i don't want to.

.

you know the one thing my mother tried to teach me was be independent and be who you are and don't accept anything else.
but i've realized it is perhaps that she made this so important to me, the pivotal truth of being alive, that i have always constantly sought an identity better than my own.
when identity is what we are made to understand, it is like showing a child the finishing line of a story and then asking them to analyze how the story got there. so, this kid is thinking "how the hell am i supposed to know because i never heard the story?"

each day, i analyze as a whole. each comment, color, taste, sound.
i almost pray something bad happens to me just to make the world seem colorful again. something to struggle for. something to fight for.

but then again, thinking about Job - i better not pray too hard.

.

all things together - i know the answer is simple, as it always is in the end.
why didn't i just get outside more?
or call that person?
or really really think about what i wanted?
or tell that person to kindly go screw themself?
or just do what i want?

listen to me whine.
whine whine whine whine whine.

i deserve an immaculate whooping.

damn, i miss when this world made sense.