harold: not pigeons.

life is feeling pretty surreal, today.
spent the majority of this weekend with that certain person i happen to still kind of maybe definitely yes have a lot of crazy ticklish excited nervous lovely feelings for. saturday, i went to the ice carnival and i was feeling a little down and out, went grocery shopping, and when i came back he was waiting for me. later on, city diner conversations with too much coffee your eyes sting and you don't know whether you are exhausted or the most alive and awake you've ever been.

after a saturday night and a good part of a sunday and early monday morning, together ... i can say this:
day dreaming is lovely; but while you are dreaming, the actual day is slipping by. for so long, i day dreamt about what it would be like to see this person, spend time with him, laugh with him, smile with him and when we did, it was lovely. but also, i fought with myself when i looked at him, thinking "why is he upset? in my dream, he isn't like this." i was starting to let him slip by because i refused to acknowledge what he was upset about or why he was upset.

over the past 48 hours, i have been to four diners. and at each one, there is the hope that i will have the diner talk and sip coffee stronger than an ox and listen to background chatter. so, i would sit and wait with my coffee and company ... and then, of course, it eventally came to fruition when i was relaxed and content. but we all romanticize conversation, our lives, our lovers, our diners.
the important part is separating ourselves from the reality and the fantasy.
the fantasy of my relationship with this person is that he will be in a better place soon, and we continue to be friends, and then eventually we become something else, and things are good and patient and kind and loving.
the reality of my relationship with this person is that he is going through a really tough time and my friendship is the one thing that i can give him which will not sway and bend or break. so, i put on my big girl pants and remember to set aside my feelings for the importance of something greater than my heart's desires.


this weekend was supposed to be so productive.
so full of reading and writing and studying.
but instead, i spent it with really great people.
and i patched the torn bits of my quilt.
and i stretched it out over my friends who need its warmth,
just as much as i need them under it.

to make a fort, a safe place, a hiding place, a home.
not to survive, but to live.
after all, the most extravagant life when shared with no one
is comparable to a beautiful symphony left unplayed
and taken to the grave.


one last thing.
happy martin luther king jr day.
here's to future peace.

rachel